using technology to feel good

I’m taking this quarantine time to understand, and reset my digital habits — so that I can use technology to make my life feel more rich and intimate, rather than more distracted and distant.

being alone at home means that it’s easy for me to use technology (mindlessly or deliberately) to attempt to satisfy inner cravings and needs: for emotional connection, validation, intimacy, a feeling of belonging, worthiness, etc.

but sometimes l check my phone and find myself feeling subtle discontentment, anxiety, comparison, or loneliness — and I think about how I hate that feeling — that reactiveness to my digital life. why should a digital, “connected” life take primacy over real life — even when real life is being alone at home?

while I have always wanted to retreat to the mountains for a week and disconnect completely, technology is also essential to my work, and has so many good sides to it. what I seek is a sustainable, integrated middle path — a way of using tech mindfully to enrich my life.

so, I began a self-inquiry process for understanding my own digital habits:

first, I asked myself: when does technology make me feel good?

1. writing essays (I use an app called Ulysses)

2. taking online yoga classes or guided meditations (I use Glo and Insight Timer)

3. listening to audiobooks (I use Audible)

4. writing and receiving thoughtful emails to friends or connections

5. exchanging voice-notes with friends and people I love

6. drawing, sketching, and writing in my infinite notebook (iPad)

7. renovating, adding, or tending to my digital house-garden (this website)

8. creating things on my computer for clients, or for myself

9. writing newsletters to my patrons or my list

10. reading poetry online

11. learning a language

12. making audio-visual experimental projects

13. connecting with clients & friends through video

14. watching good films, or listening to music

what needs are being satisfied when I feel good?

I realized that I can categorize all of the feeling good use cases into satisfying three essential needs:

1. A need for deep connection
   intimate and directed connections with close friends and people I love, unknown connections with strangers I don’t know, and with the world — via this website

2. A need for focused creation
   writing, drawing, designing, creating things, expressing things I feel and remember and see onto the page

3. A need for expansion & growth

   things that make me feel inspired or nourished, such as listening to audiobooks, doing meditation and yoga, watching films, listening to music, reading poetry, learning languages.

I realized that the two qualities that guide my needs are: focus and depth. what I mean by that is: I don’t feel nourished by 99% of email subscriptions I receive, nor the news I read.

I have a need to feel connected to the world, but not a need for information. this also explains why I don’t find social media to be the best place for me to feel connected to my community (I prefer one-on-one, intimate voice notes or emails), nor the place I find inspiration for my work (I prefer real life, or books).

when does technology make me feel bad?

1. checking social media because I feel bored/disconnected/isolated/empty

2. checking social media to see how people are engaging with my post

3. checking the news because I feel a need to know

4. checking my inbox (again, and again) for no reason

5. checking my website analytics and metrics (too often)

6. getting lost in the internet or social media or news rabbit holes (this rarely happens)

when I feel bad, what cravings am I acting on?

1. craving for un-specific connection — with a general “public” (the world via the news, my community via social media)

2. craving for general affirmation — from a general “public,” by how people respond to my work on social media platforms/my website, and from my inbox — to tell me that I am enough, I’m doing good work, etc etc.

3. craving to not feel empty / bored — by having information snacks to chew on, via social media content or the internet at large

when I feel bad, I’m acting on cravings, rather than nourishing myself— seeking false comforts over real nourishment. I also notice:

1. the interaction is passive and reactive, rather than active — it’s like going into a grocery store hungry and lost, rather than with a list of what I need to cook for a delicious feast

2. unspecific and on a “public-ish channel” that I did not curate or carefully filter (inbox, social media, news website)

3. from a place of emptiness and need — that feeling of craving feels like trying to fill an empty space inside of me, rather than an act of giving to myself (listening to an audiobook), or giving from myself (creating art and work things)

in summary:

I feel good when I am fully engaged user of technology, when I bring myself and my essence to a specific interaction. I feel bad when I come as a passive user; in need of something, but not sure what it is, and not sure how to get it.

this also applies to much of life, and relationships.

so. technology is a magical and beautiful addition to my life, clearly, and makes much of my present life possible. but. I’m articulating how my emotional and psychic needs map onto my use of technology, and how cravings cause me to reach for technology as filler food. next time I reach for my phone, perhaps I’ll ask myself:

what need or desire am I seeking to fulfill now?

am I seeking to actively connect, create, or expand?

can I choose to be an active participant in a specific interaction? …

or am I craving a nonspecific form of validation, connection, and “fullness”?

can I give myself what I seek, rather than expect my phone to provide it for me?

in this day and age, too often we treat our phones like magical drugs. to cure unknown aches. now, perhaps, we can take the time to identify the aches. and know which drugs won’t do anything for them — they’re just sugar pills that wear off after ten minutes. we need to realize that our infinite magical apothecary is not online; it’s within us. we are the alchemists!

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