the sound of a nuclear alarm in my brain

if, on a day to day basis, my car alarms of my mind (aka anxiety) are activated in small ways - then having a fight with my mother is like having the nuclear powerhouse center of my brain — that primordial place where all conditioning was inherited - triggered into red alarm. DANGER DANGER DANGER. you’re WRONG. you’re NOT ENOUGH. you’re going down the WRONG PATH, AGAIN. the sound is deafening. in those moments, i struggle to separate my truth from her truth - my trust in myself - from her doubt. this is how it is. i was born with this alarm system. it is really hard to be my mother. today is her birthday and all i wanted (all i ever want) is to see her smile.