the vulnerability of sharing your work

on sensing into your feelings of vulnerability when doing (& sharing) your work

I was thinking it would be very useful to have a scale for measuring vulnerability. as in: on a scale of 1-10, how vulnerable do I feel about [this]? it would put things into perspective. give the messy emotions a sense of order. make hard things more doable, because we can comb through our index of vulnerable things and see that we’ve done more hard things in the past, and we survived.

but what exactly is vulnerability? is it about peeling back layers and exposing our soft, fleshy skin, (maybe even revealing our insides) — like walking around naked on the street? is it making ourselves more open to potential harm, to rejection, to being ignored? is it giving up power? is it a muscle you can exercise? what if I feel vulnerable, but the recipient/world doesn’t know it? what if the recipient/world thinks I’m being vulnerable, when really, I don’t?

is vulnerability a feeling? is it an action? or is it a way of being?

can you be vulnerable if you are fearless? can you be vulnerable if — no matter what the other does - they cannot touch your sense of self-worth? can you be vulnerable if you cannot be hurt? or does vulnerability imply, simply, that pain is possible?

yes. I think vulnerability implies that pain is possible. potential pain is inherent in the act of being vulnerable — independent of whether or not you actually feel it. so I guess I am being vulnerable everyday, simply by putting my own work out on the internet, and by sharing my true self with people.

here is my scale of vulnerability — relating to work

10/10 — when I had to redo an entire art installation for a client (Dec 2018)
9/10 — when I posted an essay about consent & sexual assault (Feb 2020)
8/10 — when I posted my first ever writing online (Jan 2019)
7/10 — when I posted the photoshoot of myself with some partial nudes (May 2020)
6/10 — when I share very very personal writing for my patrons letters
5/10 — when I posted an essay about heartbreak (April 2019)
4/10 — when I send a newsletter
3/10 — when I post anything I created on social media
2/10 — when I post anything on this website
1/10 — when I create anything at all

the paradox is that the more vulnerable your actions, the less vulnerable you feel. that is, if you can truly learn to let go. in this sense, vulnerability feels like a muscle that can be stretched. perhaps, vulnerability is the muscle of accepting potential pain — with grace.

then, to be comfortable with vulnerability means having a high pain tolerance. and trusting in the fact that no matter what pain you experience, there is nothing you cannot soothe.