confined happiness

 

recently I wrote in my journal that maybe I’ll look back at these few months — this period of confinement in Japan — as one of the happiest periods in my life. or maybe I’ll realize that it is actually possible to feel this continuous, stable happiness; contentment (why is English such an imprecise language when describing emotions?) — even with these restrictions on my life. I’ll have a new standard of baseline happiness.

if anything, these restrictions have made it possible; have showed me what I truly need to feel happy.

so, let me articulate the conditions of my life right now to you (and more so, to my future self to remember!)

THINGS I DO

  • I live in an old, two story house in the countryside in Japan, with one female friend I know from studying abroad in Mongolia, seven years ago.

  • I wake up around 5:30am every morning, and sleep by 10pm.

  • I go outside 2-3 times a week to walk through rice paddies, to the lake nearby, or to visit the sakura trees

  • Every morning, I journal, write, post to this site, meditate, do yoga, and work out - before 10am.

  • I engage everyday via voice messages with friends in my ongoing audio course on creativity, which has been very nourishing and connecting.

  • I spend 2-3 hours every night cooking and eating indulgent Japanese-Chinese feasts with my friend.

  • I make yogurt and steamed buns every week.

  • I make art everyday and record infinite ongoing ideas for projects I want to do, and I write lots of notes to myself.

  • I play piano. Currently playing: Chopin’s Nocturne in C# minor, Orfeo Melodie.

  • I read books and poetry. Currently reading: Small is Beautiful, Flights.

  • I listen to Chinese podcasts and think about learning other languages.

THINGS I DON’T DO

  • I don’t seek stimulation in the outside world.

  • I don’t feel FOMO for “missing out” on “seeing” Japan.

  • I don’t check my phone or email until noon.

  • I don’t surf the internet.

  • I almost never go on social media (thank god - I’m working with someone amazing to help me post on IG)

  • I don’t spend any energy on romantic turmoil, love attachments, or emotional entanglements. HALLELUJAH.

  • I don’t watch television shows or go on Youtube.

  • I don’t listen to podcasts (except in Mandarin, purely for language/culture)

  • I don’t plan for the future.

  • I don’t spend money except on food. plus utilities, and subscriptions.

  • I don’t worry.

  • I don’t think about what’s next, when will this end, what will I do in the future.

  • I don’t engage with anyone (in person or online) I don’t feel like engaging with.

IN SUMMARY

I’ve become my own self-sustaining ecosystem, and I’m more deliberate about what I let into this infinitely layered, secret world. I discovered how deeply rich and abundant this world is inside my own head — whereas in the past, I was a bit afraid of it. it caused me so much pain and suffering. not the world itself, but all the pressures on it, the foreign specimen: difficult relationships, cities, and the expenses of cities.

but without those three things — emotional turmoil of relationships, stress of city living, and the expenses of that lifestyle — I’m able to distill down to what I truly need to be happy: daily, full-being nourishment. daily flow in all my creative expressions. and maybe the physical companionship of one friend — to share space with.

finally, I’m in a space and a place where I can truly nourish myself, and receive all of my own nourishment. all of my energy is going back into feeding ME — my soul, heart, body, mind. I don’t do things out of social obligations or fear of FOMO. I don’t go outside of myself to look for happiness, or comfort, or excitement, or to have a relationship provide for me emotionally, and as a result, I feel stronger and more emotionally stable than I have in a long, long time.

yes, confinement — but within this confinement, I feel expansive and infinite. and I am learning — continually - what I truly need to care for myself, and my ecosystem. I’ll carry these insights with me wherever I go.

 
Kening Zhuwellbeing