trust in the practice-process

this week I feel finally like I’m starting to recognize myself again after weeks and months stuck inside a dark valley of anxiety, which felt like waking up with a thick haze that was choking me. the release didn’t happen overnight. it happened day by day, alone in a space of my own, over the course of a slow week.

at first it was excruciatingly hard to sit with myself and my own attachments, addictions, and thought loops. I felt the void and the panic. I felt lonely and disconnected from myself. I felt like I couldn’t trust myself; couldn’t hear what was true. then, after days of committing to my practices (writing, yoga, meditation, journaling), taking slow walks in this new city, sitting at cafes, and letting myself get lost and follow my creative whims and inspirations — I felt my overthinking mind slowly release its clench. I felt the fog lift. I felt a soft peace slowly settling into my being.

what does it feel like? like greeting a stranger that is yourself, like this Derek Walcott poem, Love after Love:

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.

it sounds much too simplistic and prescriptive to say, “if you do yoga, meditation, and journal everyday for 7 days, you will feel better.” but — how do I say it… time and time again, I’ve found that it’s true.

I couldn’t think my way out of a dark hole, because I was simply following the same obsessive thought loop, again and again. instead, I had to care for my own body and psyche through a daily flow of these practices. and for me, it was crucial that I was alone, in my own space, and following my practices without external interruptions.

this is what I did everyday for the past 3-4 days:

yoga — allowing movement, air, flow
meditation — cultivating stillness, quiet, spaciousness
writing & art — following the flow, giving form to creative expression
journaling — meeting my mind on the page, not running away from myself
taking walks — movement and flow in the world
client work — energizing me
cafe therapy — journaling at a cozy cafe; finding solitude/stillness in the world

I also listened to Eckhart Tolle on youtube, and listened for the 3rd or 4th time to The Power of Now audiobook, which is my go-to book for 99% of my problems.

so, this is all a note to self to say:

when in a bad place
go to a room of your own
do your practices everyday:
trust in the process, then
the fog will lift and
the problems will
solve themselves.