there are dark holes everywhere

 
dark holes everywhere.jpg
 
 

a dark place > can i accept it?

these months i am existing in a terrain of my life which is full of dark holes — each varying in depth, gravitational pull, and intensity. they feel like bombs scattered throughout time and space, triggered by anything: a tiny fragment of memory, a thought, an image. I could step on a crack, fall in, and be incapacitated for hours. like a ghost of myself.

but if i pay attention, i can usually predict them. i wake up every morning inside a hole, and the first achievement of the day is getting out of bed. then, leaving the apartment. then, if i manage to return to the apartment without being a wreck, that is a victorious day. if i fail in any of these three tasks, the hole becomes bigger and deeper, leading to a zombie-like paralysis which may take hours to revive from. inertia is a form of hell.

so, how does one exist in terrain in which there are holes everywhere? i think first - by acknowledging to myself that this is better than being in a continuous, never-ending abyss — which was my experience these last months. then, to wrap my head around this paradox:

(1) totally acknowledge and accept the existence of holes
(2) know that i don’t have to fall in (i can if i want to). there are things i can do to sidestep them.
(3) if i decide to (or allow myself to, or cannot help but be pulled by the gravity of a particularly strong hole) then surrender to it, fully. give myself to it. make myself comfortable in the hole. until i’m bored of the unhappiness.

 
Kening Zhudark places, daily moods