tarot work diary no. 8 | the hermit, six of swords, seven of swords
tarot work diary is my intuitive contemplative practice for art and business, guided by the tarot.
these days, I can definitely feel that I'm in a low tide phase of the energy cycle. I'm traveling for two months to China and the US in 3 weeks, I've been feeling simultaneous pressure to push hard and finish work projects before leaving, and an tired, sluggish resistance to working -- as if all I want to do is nap for the next few weeks. maybe also: take walks. ride the ferry. watch films. this idea feels deeply radical in an anxiety-inducing way - which probably means I'm being invited to lean into it.
spring has also arrived in Istanbul. I find myself missing the cocooning darkness of winter. I wake up in the mornings and feeling annoyed that it's already light outside.
this is my draw from last Monday. a summary distillation
- the hermit -- an invitation to retreat inwards
- seven of swords -- facing shadow fears
- six of swords -- examining inner betrayals
the hermit - retreat to an inner journey
my instinctive reaction upon pulling the hermit is to feel relief and comfort; as if I'm being given permission to take these weeks to hermit -- to say no to all social invitations, and not feel guilty about it.
my human design profile is 2/4 hermit-opportunist, and the act of retreat feels deeply natural to me, even when I can feel that sometimes, there's dangers of getting stuck in narrow realities or problems that exist mostly in my head.
recently I've been reflecting on how the practice of magic -- or materializing the immaterial -- is, more than anything, an inward journey. it feels counterintuitive to go inward in order to make things happen in the external world. and I've struggled with giving myself permission to do this kind of retreat. but, again and again, I've seen how the inner work of examining beliefs, thoughts, emotions, desires -- is actually the quickest way to create new material realities.
the hermit invites me into this work -- to make this work my primary focus. and, I think this card invites me to examine the resistance I have against the hermit. what am I afraid of losing?
six of swords - facing entrenched fears
two questions come to mind whenever I draw this card:
what do the swords symbolize? where are we going?
the water and landscape in this scene actually remind me of my hometown. I think about my own apprehension about returning -- how going "home" brings up so many sharp pains, fears, and anxieties, and along with it, little administrative tasks that I've been dreading, but which pile up in my head.
the six of swords feels like it's telling me the necessity of embarking on journeys that come with fear and discomfort. more than my literal travels, I think it's referring to that of the inward hermit journey.
while I've been feeling more centered and grounded in my work than ever -- six of swords feels like another signal for me to continue to do shadow work, and to stay present with all the resistance and discomfort that arise with the urge to rest.
these entrenched fears around: not doing enough, not producing enough, falling short of my great ambitions and expectations -- they're so engrained in my psyche that I barely notice them. I think this is the point: that to move into the next phase of my evolution, I need to work through those swords.
it is a reminder to *stay with myself, no matter what.
seven of swords - clearing inner deception
this card channels the energy of deceit, trickery, or betrayal. the question isn't really "who is lying to me," but, "how do I feel like I'm betraying or lying to myself?"
which opens the question -- "how can I be more radically honest with myself?"**
I started this year with great ambitions and plans for a variety of creative and work projects. I've felt impatient to do them, because many have been building up over a period of months, or years. and yet, I haven't quite found the energy, space, or motivation for them. in the past, I would've guilted myself for this. these days, I'm much more careful about not pushing or forcing anything.
this card asks me to examine the inner conflict or sense of "inner betrayal"
between:
A) finish all the projects I said I'd do, rush to meet all deadlines and more. push myself. try to sprint hard for the possibility of meet my ambitious goals. put out out projects so that I can be very proud of myself and my "productivity," and feel deserving of its resulting rewards.
B) give myself the gift of luxurious swathes of time, rest, and slowness. make my deadlines extremely spacious. cut myself slack, while working through the fear that I'm not doing enough. take long walks. ride the ferry. sit and journal at cafes. nap. watch films. completely detach from success as a result of conditional effort. and when I do work, work from a place of deep intuitive clarity. focus on inner energy work -- instead of outer work.
right now, the idea of doing B feels really hard to accept -- even when I know that it's the right path. there is a part of me which feels like I'm deceiving myself, letting myself down, betraying my own integrity -- even when the other part says that retreat is a necessity. it is the shortest path to that which I desire.
the message
together, these cards tell me a message about solitude and the wisdom of inner retreat (the hermit) in a journey that will require me to face shadow fears and anxieties (six of swords) and work through the feeling of self-betrayal (seven of swords) that comes with allowing myself to focus on the "yin" way of being: allowing, surrendering, resting, and soaking in spaciousness.
it's a journey that feels hard in a very different way -- than the "external" work of pushing myself to meet goals and deadlines. there is deep psychic work to do. but I feel like I'm being resourced to do it.