now pleasures

in a period of time where I’m feel like I’m drowning in existential and practical concerns — where to go, how to live, how to be — in the time of altered covid realities, I have the vague sense that by trying to fix “future” problems — as practical as they are for happiness — feels like trying to untie a knotted tangle in my mind. the problems magnify and feel like projected shadows of themselves. the more I turn, the more havoc my mind becomes; it begins to devour itself, feeding on anxieties and creating a deep sensation of sinking, tightening, clenching.

if the known answer to everything is to be only in the present moment — adapting this master key answer to times of darkness (when it’s most needed) feels like a total drag. a belabored, mundane exercise, easily abandoned and requiring far more energy than I have. how do you find stillness in the here and now — when thoughts are chasing you like wild predators — and all the gates of your mind feel barred? I’m not sure I’ve found the way, but this much I know: that my mind needs room to breathe, and the nature of all things is always in flux. this will not last forever, and this is a relief.

perhaps, when I start obsessing about big-future-problems, I can try, instead, to focus on now-pleasures, now-beauty, now-joy. perhaps I can seek that which brings me good feelings (in the here and now), instead of that which I feel compelled to do, out of anxiety or fear. maybe, I can start savoring the beauty of this single day, this next hour, this next half hour, this next ten minutes, and then, this very moment. to find the now-pleasure in eating a single pear, in watching a blue bedsheet blow on a balcony, or in a glass of water, sparkling in sunlight.