in the mood for change

it’s been hot the past few days in this part of Japan - we’ve been experiencing the kind of spring weather that foretells the humidity of summer, and all the things that come with summer: ice cream bars, mosquitos, sweating just standing up. I am most definitely not a summer kind of girl, and sensing this change in the air makes me slightly panicky. I had settled into a routine with this time and place, with winter savored inside this library-house, with waking up with my breath fogging in the air, huddling with thick blankets, stooping in front of the heater, feeling happily cozy, indoors, working and writing and creating, with the rain and wind thrashing outside.

but I find my own resistance to change almost comical. I can’t believe how, in February, I was hopping, carelessly, from city to city, week after week: from Paris, to London, to Berlin, to Athens, and back to Paris. trying on new lives like different coats. but the world looks very different now. and the mere thought of having to leave this house in a month - it terrifies me. back then, I had identified with being an effortless traveler — and now, I’ve very much grown into this hermit homebody. again, reappearing: these dual, seemingly contradicting selves that live within me.

but what comes to mind, now, is Newton’s first law of physics:

objects in rest want to remain in rest, and objects in motion will stay in motion — unless acted on by an external force.

external force. there are so many. impersonal forces, personal forces, and inner urges that arrive like a storm with all its force. once I am at rest, I will want to stay at rest. I will hold onto my routines, habits, settled ways of doing things. but once I am traveling, accustomed to movement, I will want to stay in motion — continually exploring, seeing, absorbing, growing.

but is it possible to be at rest, and to be moving — at the same time?

is it possible to be comfortable, stable, routine-based, and to have the spaciousness for freedom, expansion, letting go, change?

maybe this is THE ultimate question I have been asking all my life. and being a super Scorpio, I find the extremes of either side very present in me — a desire to stay fixed, stable, a holding onto what I know and can control. and then, I realize that I cannot control anything. things cannot stay the same. then, there is a difficult transition period — lasting a few days, weeks, or months — involving many dark feelings and some tears. after that, comes full surrender - I let go. I let the winds blow me where they will, and I see where I land.

I must remind myself that I can change - I have changed, so many times in the past, and future change is always possible. even if I’m not in the mood. the mood will visit me, come knocking on my door, and I will have to open myself, as completely as I can, and say. okay, spring. you can stay here, and you can leave. there is no other way.