the secret to freedom in art & business
I wrote a post about what I created in 2019, organized by month. I wrote a post 6 months ago, with a list of 30 lessons learned. This post is about the past year: the process, the winding journey, and what I discovered along the way.
Freedom comes from acceptance of all parts of the journey — like paddling a canoe across the ocean — to be able to do so calmly, gracefully, rather than constantly trying to find land, some imagined sanctuary of security, validation, or permission. No one and nothing can give that to you, so the best thing to do is to simply surrender. Let go. Know that everything you need for this journey is already within.
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My reflections on 2019 brought me to this realization. To this great lesson learned, which I wrote at the top of my notebook, and twice again here, because it’s a lesson I need to keep reminding myself of. How else can I keep going — on this long and dark narrow road, having chosen a way of life that comes without security; without signposts, without promises of worldly success, money, status, or validation? To live on the edge of things requires great pain endurance. I’m here, and now I cannot go back.
When I think back on 2019, I remember a lot of crying. A lot of anxiety about future and money, a lot of self-blame, shame, existential loneliness, and disappointment around failed expectations and dreams. This past year didn’t work out the way I had so desperately wanted it to. But it worked out exactly as I needed. It gave me the gifts, tools, and lessons that I so very much needed to continue on, to transform, to be a more powerful and potent version of myself. I’m in this for the long game.
in 2019, I discovered…
The secret to being an artist and creator, which is, I think, to not give a fuck about what anyone thinks about you, or your work, but with integrity to your personal greatness. To create without inhibition, from a state of pure un-self-consciousness, without (dare I say) ego — which is the golden place where magical things happen. The place of rapture.
How to nurture an intimate relationship with my art, to create art independent of who sees it, to create simply because I want to, I feel like it, I must do it to feel sane. To see my art as a place of refuge that I go; a space I enter into. It is open, receptive, and porous to the world, but uncontaminated by its worries. The more personal it is, the more universal it is.
How to create from indestructible, effortless flow, which requires structured spontaneity — making space in my life everyday for creative work. I lull myself with my creative routines, then I listen intently for what wants to emerge. I am witness to all that flows from me.
Self-confidence as an artist - as a result of #1-3, perhaps, having gotten into the habit of creating and putting myself “out there,” then, not bothering to put myself “out there” at all and still creating, still feeling like my work exists and matters even if no one looks at it, ever. Finding the place where I make work that is excellent for the pure pleasure of it. For the process, rather than the result.
The illusion of “enough” - is to never feel good enough, or that I have enough — money, recognition, validation, likes, subscribers, whatever. This is a dangerous hole. A total waste of time and emotional energy. I try to make the best of each moment, and that’s it.
How to solve the problem of art and money — is to create a very personal definition of what freedom means to me. I found that relying on selling art prints for money is neither efficient nor something which made me feel “free.” But a more liberating way to see money is as a free-flowing exchange of energy between me and the world. Each “flow” has different demands, requiring different compromises, and operating on a different time frame. Which makes the most sense, right now?
I realized that I had limited myself by limiting the definition of “client work.” This year, I found the sweet spot to doing client work — I found the kind of people I wanted to serve: creative seekers and builders; my friends, and friends of friends. Then I work with love and enthusiasm.
The solution to all problems, which is in the power of now — practicing presence, micro-presence, even, if that word conveys what I mean more clearly. To be keenly aware of each moment, and what wants to happen in the moment, instead of projecting into the future, or reliving the past. 95% of all problems disappear when I’m just focused on the now. The Power of Now - is my book of the year.
Surrender; how to let go of expectations and attachments to anything, even dreams. I started this year with grand dreams of how my life would be, how things would turn out by the end of 2019. Never would I have imagined that by the end of the year, I’ll be living out of a suitcase, preparing to travel the world. Surrendering is a paradox. It is practicing non-attachment to everything, but with such trust in life. You cannot surrender without trust. But once you do, all possibilities expand.
My unshakable inner core; or, how to trust in myself — that I have the power to create anything in my life I desire, and the strength and calm to deal with anything that life throws my way. This year, I transformed my relationship to myself. I cultivated my inner space. I learned to love and accept all of my inner worlds. I discovered the power of deep journaling and cafe therapy (which I will write more about this year) — consoling me in my darkest times, turning suffering into gold, and assuring me that there is nothing in this world I cannot handle.
I’m noticing how many of my discoveries from this past year is full of paradox. To have routine and structure in my day, while practicing flow and spontaneity. To be ultra focused and committed to my endeavors, and yet to surrender control to the outcome. To not care what anyone thinks about my work, yet to create work that speaks with universal truth. Duality is ultimately an illusion, then. Being true to myself is the only thing I can do.