tarot work diary no. 6 | four of pentacles, four of swords, five of swords
this is my tarot work diary, a weekly intuitive practice for art & business, guided by the tarot.
week of March 3-8, 2024
I was super confused by this week's pull. then, through today's diary exploration, I'm distilled it to a message about the gridlock I've put myself into -- through a lot of stress patterns, last-minute deadlines, total exhaustion, and feelings of time scarcity.
ultimately, these cards feel like a way of illuminating my patterns -- then inviting me to surrender, trust in my safety, and allow a higher wisdom to guide my work forwards.
summary distillations
- four of pentacles: time scarcity creates more time scarcity
- four of swords: rest as necessity to giving my 100%
- five of swords: the conflicts in my work energy
four of pentacles - the blockage of time scarcity
most interpretations I read of this card have to do with blockage -- behaviors of literal or spiritual hoarding, resistance, or structure that attempts to seals energy inwards (for better or worse).
in Tarot for Change, Jessica Dore frames blockage as a sign that "movement is happening" -- in that energy is being channeled in a new direction, and it requires a bit of jiggling of the handle and being present with the block in order to open a door to someplace new. that interpretation feels really beautiful and expansive to me - rather than an indictment of stuckness that I'm doomed to stay with, forever.
in context of my work week, I have the feeling that these pentacles represent my current relationship to Time. I've been trying to hold onto time, parse time, squeeze time, control time -- because somewhere in the back of my mind, there's a belief that there's not enough time and that time is something I need to measure, and hold close to me. half the things I wanted to get done I had hoped would be completed yesterday -- this is a feeling that I've been working through my entire life, and, I think, a feeling that was inherited.
perhaps this card is an invitation to face my relationship with time.
what IF -- I was able to flow with time, to feel an abundance of time, instead of feeling the need to hoard it?
time, after all, is the most precious of our non-renewable resources -- but being aware of its scarcity only creates more scarcity.
four of swords - rest as necessity
I wrote in previous weeks of this tarot diary that the four of swords is about retreat, rest, and allowing the liminal spaces to speak to me -- laying aside the sharp swords of the mind, and (sometimes literally) allowing myself to take a nap. throughout this last month, I've been pulling this card again and again in my daily pull. in what feels like an extremely busy period of my work life, rest and retreat feels like the last thing I want to do, or to give myself permission to do.
I think that a lot of this internalized pressure (hence the 4 of pentacles) has to do with big travel plans I have from late April to early June - to my hometown in China, then the US for a close friend's wedding - both trips which are semi-obligatory family & friends visits that I know will be extremely emotionally taxing on my system -- when all I want to do in this phase of my life is retreat, give my work my 100%, and be with my partner and dog in my quiet Istanbul life.
perhaps this card suggests that part of the work I'm meant to do IS to rest and retreat, as a core necessity. after all, I'm a Projector (in Human Design) and I often feel myself getting in cycles of pushing & burnout.
thus, the question then becomes:
how can I rest and embrace the yin AS a way of giving my work my 100%?
how can I build in rest -- and thus, a more fluid relationship with time -- into the intensity of my creative output? I think the answer has to do with doing less, but being able to sharply discern what is most essential.
five of swords - the conflicts within my work
this card evokes the scene of conflict, loss, humiliation, defeat (if you're the two figures in the background) -- or emerging as the victor, but in a weird, shady way. I've seen interpretations of this card as being about reframing narratives.
the sense that I get is that these cards represent different parts of my work life, and what I give energy/attention/time to. as in: in the battle of my work life, which characters are winning and losing? *what is totally dominating my energy?
the winner in the foreground: what's getting ALL the attention right now. for me, it's last minute, intense work to meet deadlines for 3 things: my podcast, newsletter, and client work.
character walking away with coat over shoulder: the work I've been putting off for a really long time, such that it feels kind of nonchalant and ignored. like: "whatever..." this is: evolutions on my website-world, paid offerings, and nurturing my intensive daily practice of writing in my web journal. also. my stack of unanswered emails....!!!
character crying by the water: my art. writing projects. visual projects. experimental digital world projects. probably some answered emails, too.
the question that emerges, then is:
how can these different parts of my work find more integration, in my energy?
how can I not allow the adrenaline-fueled deadline rush (The Winner) not completely dominate my energy? How can I create more space for my Art (the crying character by water) when it's work (and always has been) work that feels less urgent, but deeply essential to my soul? How can I build a relationship of trust and understanding with my new business projects and admin stuff (character #2, with coat over shoulder) that will unclog a lot of stale energy in me?
the message
together, my week's pull is addressing the work conflicts I've been feeling all week.
- a feeling of time scarcity, stress, and clogged-ness.
- heaviness and exhaustion from rushing to meet deadlines
- a sense of abandonment by other less urgent, but deeply essential projects
I think that the Five of Swords paints the theatrical portrait of my core work conflict (the domination of my energy), whereas the Four of Pentacles represents what's contributing to this conflict (a sense of time scarcity) and the Four of Swords presents a portal forwards (deep rest, and retreat).
The gridlock
The problem is that together, these cards form a gridlock; a self-reinforcing cycle. Because I feel stressed and short on time, so I don't take aside time to deeply rest and retreat. because I'm exhausted, projects take longer to complete, and bog me down. then, my energy is totally dominated by what's most urgent/pressing/deadline-driven, and I'm more stressed and time-scarce thinking about future deadlines, and time scarcity.
What's the magic key?
the word that comes to mind as I hold this question... is surrender. as in: if my desire is to evolve and expand into the next level of myself in my work, my infinitely expanding 100%, then I can't expect my conscious mind to be able to control and micromanage everything. I have to let go of the idea that my MIND knows best, and trust my intuitively energy to lead me on the right path forwards.