i am embracing the loneliness

I had a dream last night that I met myself at the bottom of a desert abyss — and discovered the reality to the thing which I feared: this feeling of total, alienating loneliness, it wasn’t so bad. it is not like death (then again, not afraid of dying); it is more like walking in silence along a long, dry road where there are no trees, no flowers, no sign of life. those moments force me to remember — that my own beating heart, my in and out breath, these are signals to myself that I am alive; that embracing the loneliness is learning how to walk this path, trusting in my ability to find beauty in it. even if the beauty lasts only a few seconds. it is like living life as a series of black and white photographs. if I am skillful enough, I can make it into a film.

the most important thing about embracing loneliness is not resisting the feeling. not looking for salves. maybe, becoming curious about it. maybe, even learning to enjoy it.

perhaps it begins with finding a ground for the self to feel safe in. recently, for me, it’s been specific albums of music, books about this place, cafes that feel like hugs, the cover of night, ferry rides, the bosphorous at all hours. these are not distractions from loneliness. they are atmospheric objects that form the house where the loneliness can dwell, can come and go, as she pleases.

istanbul, like new york, is a great place to be lonely and devastated in. it’s suffocatingly crowded, a giant entanglement of streets, filled with history and ruins. I come to meet my loneliest self here.