going through the motions

sometimes when I feel shitty and unbalanced, the only thing I can do is go through the motions of doing practices which I know will make me feel better: run, yoga, read, meditate, write, draw — and then, simply wait for my system to metabolize those things. it will feel unnatural, bothersome, and there will be tremendous inertia which prevents me from any activity which is “good” for me. but it always has an effect.

it is very much like watering a wilted plant: some water is better than no water, and the plant may not spruce up immediately (especially if it has shed its petals, or if it’s an especially moody plant) — it might take a day, or two, or three. it might take a week. but you still have to go through the motions. give it water. and sun, and shadow. (in the right proportions) and sing it songs, even if it’s sulky.

the best thing I can do is to respect my own metabolism — the metabolism of a complex ecosystem that even I — as my best scientist and observer — can’t quite understand. time and time again, I have to remind myself of this rule:

in order for my inner ecosystem to thrive and blossom, I must nourish my inner worlds daily — all of them. no one (no friend, no lover, no external environment) no matter how wonderful — can be my daily multivitamin. I must make my own magic concoction.

and even when it feels bad, there is only one task. simply go through the motions of my personal well-being and creative practices. set a timer. do it. then go the fuck to sleep. repeat.