deserving of pleasure

last sunday I spent the afternoon baking myself and my flatmates a triple layer lemon cake — and it felt like the ultimate act of indulgence and self-love. it was a love and passion for life, for pleasure, and for beauty itself — a joy of having people to share a luxurious cake with — without needing any reason or occasion, other than, I just wanted to.

how many times do we wait to feel like we’ve “earned” something — before granting it to ourselves? how much do we wait for someone else to give us the romance, beauty, and pleasure that we crave — for someone else to treat us like queens — to know that we are deserving of indulgence?

it is taking me time — (because once upon a time, I was a perfectionist / hardass / productivity-obsessed control freak, always feeling like nothing I did was enough) — but day by day, I am learning to elevate myself in my own eyes. even beyond the dimension of simply allowing myself to feel what I feel, but to truly take the time and attention to treat myself to the exact shade of beauty, pleasure, and drama that I crave.

so I bake myself a triple layer lemon cake if I feel like it. I light candles, and listen to Rachmaninov’s Concerto in C# Minor every night while taking a shower. I go on long walks in the cemetery in full fall foliage, and let myself sit there in silence, for as long as I feel like it.

I fold in time throughout the day — to actively hush my ego and her to-do lists — and instead, to lay a hand on my heart, and ask myself: what do you desire now? what nourishing or beautiful thing can I give you? how can I add a little more joy and pleasure to this day?