during those two weeks in which i was looking for that specific black cat i decided would be mine - (simply because it followed me home, one day, from the park — which i understood to mean that this cat choose me) — a friend of a friend of my boyfriend was giving away five puppies. I said no, of course no — I want a cat, not a dog — and how can I travel with a dog; be semi-nomadic with a dog, live a free life with a dog, like an anchor, weighing me down? having a dog is like having a 15 year commitment. having a dog is different than having a man, or a house, or a job — all of which you could leave. (I am not the type to give away animals. once it’s in my house, it stays until it leaves, or dies.)

but then she sent the photos over, and within thirty seconds, I decided that I wanted it. I couldn’t understand why, when it went against everything I claimed I wanted. I just fit a tugging in my heart.

that day, I went to the park — and for the first time in two weeks, I found the black cat I had claimed. but he was sitting and napping with a group of teenage girls, and though he came when I called him, soon after, he left, returned to the girls, and did come to my side again. I felt explicably betrayed.

my boyfriend said: a cat will not be loyal. you think you want freedom, but what you truly want is loyalty.

the next morning, I did some very serious journaling, asking myself the question — do i really want a dog?? — and made tree maps of all possibilities for travel, from short weekend trips to 3-month long trips, and all methods of travel, from train rides to boat ride to airplane rides — and after all that, I noticed how intensely I was searching for possibility, and I realied/decided: actually, I want a dog. I want a dog with the same intensity with which I once wished for a home. I came to peace with my own wanting: though my brain said: we want to be free, my body and heart wanted things to anchor itself to. animals. a home. a life made out of earth, not just water.

this monday, one of the puppies spent a few hours napping on my lap while I worked at the cafe. it felt so soothing.

but now, as it seems, the puppies will be going to other homes. I felt again the heaviness of emptiness — an emptiness I didn’t know was there; an emptiness created from my imagination, out of thin air. some days prior, I was against having a dog. now, I was feeling the lack of a dog.

life is showing me — what? what is this joke about? I have no answer.

all the animals that never came home with me