infinite new year days
I spent this New Years Eve in Thailand with six family members, sharing a hotel room with my mother and brother, trying to remember myself -- my values, passions, and ways of being -- amidst the familiar dynamics of my family and culture. Within a week I found myself feeling like a child again. I was safe but reactive; tethered in my past, yet floating away from the self I've so carefully cultivated in adulthood. I guess that's what traveling to family halfway across the world does to you. Two weeks later, I still feel like I'm transitioning.
Nonetheless, even then, the new year never fails to bring me energy, because it's a decisively clear moment for reflection and setting new intentions. 2017 was a year of learning to love myself -- independent of all my closest relationships -- and through that, I've grown in ways I couldn't have imagined possible a year ago. Finally, I feel like I'm where I need to be in order to even begin to run the marathon I want to run. My intention for 2018 is to put all of my energy, momentum, and effort into my creative pursuits. To run like I'm afraid of nothing.
I know that throughout this year, I'll be craving that sense of freshness and newness that I felt on New Years Day, when everyone is experiencing a collective movement of renewal and momentum. But why don't we feel like this more often? Every month? Every week? Every day? I will tell you what I thought about on New Years Day, mid-breakfast buffet at a hotel in Bangkok. That day, I woke up early and went to the hotel gym, had breakfast alone for the first time in weeks. I ate a Thai omelette and it was too good for words.
How long does it take the earth to go around the sun? 365 days. How many times does the earth go around the sun? Infinite times. How many times does it return to the same point it was 365 days ago? Infinite times. New Years Day marks one moment when the earth revisits (approximately) the same place it was 365 days ago. But this happens infinite times. January 1st is only one of them.
What can I learn from this? That perhaps my days could flow with less friction if I just allowed life to mirror the movement of the planets, the moon, the seasons. We're in cycles. And maybe, the secret to feeling renewal everyday is just to realize how we've been here before, infinite times, but at the same time, our each experience is new. Maybe this is how I will live this year, making everyday feel like the new year. Infinite new years.
Read: City of Thieves by David Benioff - I didn't read much fiction, but I devoured this book in a few days. I love his narrator voice.
Listening to: Le Chat Noir by David Orlowsky Trio - I love that moment of movement between lightness and intensity here.
Watched: Brooklyn (2015) and A Man Called Ove (2015) - The first movie touched my homesickness in a deep way, the second was such a heartwarming, perfect Monday night alone experience.